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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
Age 23, living in sin in Twickenham with Cheesy
Likes
Movies
Books
Writing
Theatre
Hugs
Kittens
Chess
Scrabble (mostly beating Cheesy's butt)
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Dislikes
Vegetables
Arguments
Cleaning
Trashy TV
Pretensions
Public Transport
Pets
Rabbits-Bambi, Fern, Sooty, Pippa-all deceased
Dog-Sammy-deceased :(
Fish-CatFlap-recently (and finally!) deceased
Cat-Tiggy-still scratching
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Technically Rachel
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Wednesday, June 16, 2004
In celebration of my new shameful addiction to Big Brother (yes, I know it's shit, and stupid, and boring, but I get home late and I can't be arsed to think, so it's perfect viewing - alright!), I have done the Big Brother game, using names of those in our blog world - the results are most amusing, if not scarily apt at times. Courtesy of dc8p:
Big Brother!
Day 1 - Cheesemonger admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Small Yappa Dog. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Brontone is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Rockenspiel later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Tall Boy creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Random Creature hits him with a Spork.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Big Ben out of Asparagus. After much persuasion by Tall Boy, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the Big Ben task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Rockenspiel, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Asparagus. Random Creature is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the Big Ben task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Rockenspiel farts and blows Big Ben over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Small Yappa Dog cries.
6 - Tall Boy gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Small Yappa Dog admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Spork. Cheesemonger says he never wears condoms because they make his Scrotum sore and Tall Boy agrees. Brontone goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Rockenspiel sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Tall Boy.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Cheesemonger goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Random Creature and Small Yappa Dog are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Cheesemonger.
9 - Random Creature and Small Yappa Dog are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Brontone sings them a song - Cheeky Girls Song - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Small Yappa Dog out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Small Yappa Dog leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Small Yappa Dog's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Brontone has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Random Creature is visibly depressed and is comforted by Tall Boy, who tries to touch her on her Nipple.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Tall Boy touching Random Creature's Nipple over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Rockenspiel refuses to run because his Scrotum hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Rockenspiel finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Random Creature calls Rockenspiel a lazy Scrotum.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Cheesemonger tells everyone individually that he thinks Random Creature is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Random Creature and Tall Boy are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Cheesemonger.
16 - The nominations are announced. Random Creature can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Tall Boy is equally stunned and turns to Random Creature for comfort. Rockenspiel is distraught and confesses to Brontone that he thinks he is in love with Tall Boy. Brontone says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Tall Boy out of the house. Random Creature says she is gutted and even gives Tall Boy a clipping of hair from her Nipple to prove how much she cares. Rockenspiel is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Tall Boy leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Random Creature clipping the hair from her Nipple. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Isle of Man in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Isle of Man sounds like but Rockenspiel says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Cheesemonger as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Cheesemonger successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Isle of Man but also God Save The Queen, Cheeky Girls Song and the theme tune to Frasier. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Cheesemonger tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Rockenspiel and Brontone are nominated.
23 - Rockenspiel and Brontone take their nominations well and sit down with Cheesemonger and Random Creature to discuss why they voted for them. Cheesemonger keeps quiet but Random Creature accuses Rockenspiel of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred Scrotum before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Brontone out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Brontone leaves.
25 - Cheesemonger becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Cheesemonger's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Hefalump dung using only a Spork. Cheesemonger is unsure but Rockenspiel is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Rockenspiel breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Hefalump incident from his childhood. Random Creature tries to persuade him to stay but Cheesemonger sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Rockenspiel decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Hefalump dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Random Creature from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Cheesemonger asks Random Creature to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Cheesemonger nominates Random Creature to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Random Creature.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Random Creature graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Cheesemonger is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Cheesemonger takes his £70,000 and runs away to Isle of Man. Nobody, including Random Creature, ever sees him again.
1:06 pm
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