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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
Age 23, living in sin in Twickenham with Cheesy
Likes
Movies
Books
Writing
Theatre
Hugs
Kittens
Chess
Scrabble (mostly beating Cheesy's butt)
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Dislikes
Vegetables
Arguments
Cleaning
Trashy TV
Pretensions
Public Transport
Pets
Rabbits-Bambi, Fern, Sooty, Pippa-all deceased
Dog-Sammy-deceased :(
Fish-CatFlap-recently (and finally!) deceased
Cat-Tiggy-still scratching
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Technically Rachel
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Monday, September 25, 2006
It’s been a while since someone made me feel small for being myself. At least in the workplace. There are always people I deal with who occasionally give me ‘that look’ or a cutting comment if I say something a bit daft. Which to be fair is something I do quite often – I have a tendancy to think before I speak and as consequence can come out with something either a bit stupid or a bit bonkers.
Me and me my sub-boss (we both have the same boss but this guy is senior to me) haven’t been getting on hugely well. That’s the wrong phrase really – we get on, we don’t argue or anything, but the last week I’ve noticed an… undercurrent. He’s been icing me out a bit with social stuff and I’ve felt a couple of times I’m intruding on him, or he’s trying to avoid me. I can understand this – we work together all day he most likely wants some time to himself. But I think it’s more that I annoy him. Which is a shame, cause I really enjoy his company and like the guy a lot.
The other day he commented that I hum and whistle a lot. I do. I hardly realize when I’m doing it, but I like a tune (even if I’m not particularly tuneful). And that I giggle a lot. Which I do. It’s a nervous tic mostly. At first I thought he was just commenting on it, but as I explained that it’s a habit that I don’t even notice anymore, I got ‘that look’. Now, I know I can be over sensitive and paranoid at times at people’s opinions of me, so I put it aside.
This morning at breakfast he commented that I make a ‘brrrr’ noise with my lips – which is true and mostly an extension from humming. I explained that I think a lot of it comes from my childhood – being a kid who would constantly say the wrong thing and be ridiculed for it I learned to hold my tongue. Which is VERY difficult for me to do. I think giggling/making noises is my way of filling a silence when I would otherwise be tempted to blurt out something random like “Wouldn’t it be cool if we could eat rocks”. He said I should have more confidence in what I say – which is true, but experience tells me that my brain doesn’t work that way. I say it’s likely that this behaviour has been ingrained in me from being a kid – a lot of people are like that.
“Well,” he says pointedly, “People can learn to change.” He gets up and swans off to gets himself some more fruit leaving me sat there feeling small and imperfect. And angry. I don’t want to change. And why should I? I am quite happy that I hum and whistle and sing – that I am generally happy enough to do so, and because giggling always cheers me up. I am not going to apologise for that or be made to feel that I should. It’s who I am. And if that person is annoying, well that’s just the way it is. So there.
Had a good weekend in Marrakech though – which I shall blog about later. Just needed to get that out of my system.
10:56 am
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